You have a baby shower coming up and plan to cloth diaper your newborn. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone brought exactly what you wanted – cloth diapers? If your closest friends know your wishes, chances are you’ll get a few. But most of us aren’t that lucky. So what is the proper etiquette?
Can I ask my guests to buy cloth diapers?
The short answer is no. It is not proper to dictate to your guests (yes, even in a way you think is clever or tactful) what gifts they should bring. After all, it violates the whole principle of gift-giving, which is that they are freely given and fully at the giver’s discretion. As the authoritative Miss Manners says “presents are always voluntary, and attempts to extract them are rude.”
The only exception to this rule is you are personally approached and asked “What would you like the most?” You may feel ever so free to reply “Cloth diapers would be wonderful, thank you!!”
Otherwise, a gift is a gift and should be accepted graciously.
But what about gift registries?
This is a socially acceptable vehicle to share your gift preferences. That word is in italics because that’s all a registry is – a list of your preferences. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t use a registry to ASK for certain gifts. It’s something you may opt to provide for the convenience of those seeking input on your taste and style. Many expectant mothers don’t do a registry at all, and that’s fine.
Cloth diapers can be added to gift registries not only at big box stores like Walmart, but through many online natural parenting stores like Nicki’s Diapers.
What if I use humor or fun to indicate our preference for cloth?
If you’re alluding to clever little verses like the ones below…no.
If shopping for diapers
Keep one thing in mind
We’re only using cloth
On our baby’s behind OR
Throw-away diapers
Will just go to waste
Reusable cloth
Puts a smile on my face!
You made a rhyme! Congratulations! But you’re still asking for specific gifts. And that breaks the rules of gift giving etiquette. Or, to use a very crude old American analogy, you can polish a turd but…….
Because let’s be honest; what is this poem really saying?
“If you buy disposable diapers, it will be a big waste.” (Hmm, that’s not really gracious, is it?)
“We will be disappointed if we don’t get any cloth diapers.” (Obviously, or you wouldn’t have taken time to write a poem!)
“What I want most is cloth diapers.” (Playing favorites is rude and embarrassing.)
You wouldn’t use this tactic with baby clothing (“We prefer footed sleepers, so please, no rompers” and “Only blue will do for our new arrival.”), so don’t do it with cloth diapers, no matter how passionate an advocate you are!
But what about gifts we don’t like or can’t use?
Remember when Grandma gave you underwear and you had to smile and say thanks? Well, the same goes for your baby shower. Smile and say thanks. Don’t tell others what (or what not) to buy you, and be grateful for whatever you get. Every mother, no matter what she registers for her how obvious she makes her preferences known, is going to get gifts that she doesn’t like or can’t use. This is just a fact of life for all of us when it comes to getting presents. And isn’t it true that some of the loveliest and most memorable gifts we have received in life were complete surprises that we never even thought of asking for?
People attend baby showers and present gifts to celebrate your new arrival in their own unique way, not to gratify your every wish. I know it’s tempting to see your upcoming baby shower as a possible way to offset the cost of a cloth diaper stash, but keep in mind that it’s a celebratory event, not a charity drive.
Remember that anything you can’t use or truly don’t need can be donated, traded or sold later on.
I’ll quote Miss Manners again: “The ability to look delighted when not – now that is a truly a gift!”
I had my first shower with my third baby! I was so delighted to be given a shower by my friends that I didn’t care who gave what. I had many cloth options on my Amazon registry and my sister bought me a few. I was grateful for the disposable diaper cake as an option since I was too overwhelmed to do cloth in the beginning. I would never include a note like those!
Wendy, I felt the same way about the 2 showers that friends gave me. That people are thoughtful enough to plan a special day to celebrate your baby AND shower gifts on him/her is treat enough! ~Anne
I, too, feel like those notes are meant to put pressure on guests to buy cloth, which just isn’t right. While any cloth mom would love to get fluff they have to realize there’s no gift they are entitled to receive. It it’s me that this is seen as acceptable in some groups
It irks me is what that was supposed to say!
I’ve been struggling with this so thank you for the PSA. 😊 I will just hope my friends and family know me well enough to figure I prefer cloth. I do have a ton on my registry!
We were so lucky to be given a number of hand-me-downs, so what we really needed was cloth diapers. We did a “babylist” registry so we were able to register for the various cloth diapering items we needed and assumed people could look at the registry if they wished to. At the baby shower though, we received over 2,000 disposable diapers! (literally someone counted all the numbers on the boxes) I am thankful that so many people cared to share our special day, and occasionally the disposables come in handy traveling without access to a washer. Otherwise, they can also make great gifts for others who truly need disposable baby diapers, like a mom experiencing hard times! I am very thankful for the handful of people who did get us cloth diapers and in the end we just purchased the other items we need. The most important part is sharing a new birth with those you love!!
Oh my goodness, 2000?? How many guests were at the shower, April? I think at most, I’ve received maybe 5 or 6 packs of disposables. The grateful attitude you showed is wonderful, and thanks for sharing how you were able to ensure the disposables didn’t just “go to waste.” ~Anne
Ha ha, only like 20 or so people, but I think everyone had the same idea to get the super large case size, so each box had somewhere between 150 and 200+ diapers! Thanks for the great post!
I am struggling with this topic. Disposable diapers in my family is almost a culture. My sister makes disposable diaper pyramids for people to “guess how many” as a game at baby showers. My family, thinks they know best. I feel like even if I am subtle with your suggestions it will be ignored. I will be confronted that cloth diapering is “cute” but a waste of money because: they leak, I won’t stick with it, they think it is gross, ect. So, I am not sure how to go about this. I even work for a company that makes reusable menstruation pads and breastfeeding pads. I still have my fears since my family thinks what I do is gross.
Hi Tammy, I do understand your dilemma. You are a big proponent of cloth and wish there was a way you could steer the gifts in that direction, so they will be put to good use. But basic gifting etiquette says that the choice of a gift should be left to the giver. Period. If it appears that you are in any way dictating what people should buy for the baby, then it spoils the whole spirit of gift-giving and the attitude of gratitude required of you. Gifts are ALWAYS voluntary, and attempts to pressure givers in any way are considered to be rude. Hope this helps! – Anne Marie