Two is one of my favorite ages. A little bit independent and a little bit babyish. Small enough to hold but big enough to be talking. Two-year-olds can make you laugh out loud with the things they say and do.
“That’s true,” you might say, “but are you really denying the well-documented phenomenon known as The Terrible Twos?”
Yes. And it’s not because my children are perfect angels. And it’s not because parenting is easy. Erik is two right now and his hobbies are saying NO to everything and throwing toys when they don’t work properly. Susanna is three and thinks she is invincible.
The Terrible Twos is a stereotype that can lead to unfortunate consequences:
#1 Putting Off Discipline: The myth is that real defiance doesn’t start until the toddler years, so you can hold off on discipline until the Terrible Twos come along. What a shame! There are so many teachable moments in the first two years of a little one’s life that are wasted. Why not deal with challenges and defiance whenever they pop up, even if it’s before the first year?
Don’t end up one of those bewildered parents that says “He was such a sweet little baby and then suddenly he turned into a monster.” Nothing happens in a vacuum! This situation of being surprised by “sudden” misbehavior is likely what gave rise to the whole Terrible Twos stigma.
Pop quiz: Which of these approaches is kinder? (a) to give your “baby” free reign until he is 2 or 3 and then suddenly start trying to assert your authority and set boundaries, OR (b) to establish authority and put boundaries in place incrementally, from the very earliest age.
#2 Excusing Misbehavior: Tantrums and defiance are normal, right? So what’s the big deal? This is another attitude that’s becoming all too common, thanks to parenting pop psychology. “They are toddlers. This is the only way they know how to verbalize or act.” That’s only true IF you aren’t teaching them a better way. Don’t allow them to be rude, mean, obnoxious, etc. just because they are a toddler.
Human nature is tarnished. We all know this. In that sense, misbehavior at any age is “natural,” whether you are 2 or 102. But that doesn’t make it acceptable. Stop making excuses and help your child to rise above nature. They, just like you, should be striving to be a better person day by day.
#3 Labeling: Children are very perceptive, even at age two. And believe me, they pick up on your comments and facial expressions. You might think it’s ok to roll your eyes at a play date and tell another mother “We’re right in the middle of the Terrible Twos,” but it’s not. Your child hears that and thinks “This is just the way I am.” or “That’s me. Always making trouble.” A sensitive child might be embarrassed or hurt. A stubborn child might interpret this as an excuse to dig in his heels even more. They’ll reason this way: “I’m just a toddler and this is what toddlers do, so why try to behave?”
My mother told us that from the moment she gave birth, people started warning her about what was to come. “Just wait until they are toddlers,” friends would say. She would wait and nothing terrible would happen. “Just wait until they start school,” was the next prediction. After that, “Just wait until the teenage years.” Years went by and my mother never understood what all the dire predictions were about. Yes, we tested her and no, we weren’t always good, but she and my father had laid good foundations of love and discipline from the very beginning. She never felt bewildered or helpless. Nothing terrible (including the twos) ever reared its head.
“Human nature is tarnished. We all know this. In that sense, misbehavior at any age is “natural,” whether you are 2 or 102. But that doesn’t make it acceptable.” THANK YOU for writing this. I am really actually tired of the part of ‘gentle parenting’ which says that we need to just let children feel their feelings and it’s all valid. We need to teach kids to master their emotions, not be ruled by them. (Not to say emotions aren’t an important part of humanity, but we just don’t need to let them run roughshod all over us.) I think one of the marks of adulthood is self-control, so starting to teach them young is so important. Like you say here, we can’t just expect kids to act age-appropriately if we don’t teach them incrementally.
Right, Steph! This post is definitely in response to what you’re talking about. Children automatically get a pass because, well, “they’re children.” This is like the “boys will be boys” thing, and that also drives me nuts. Can’t we have any expectations? Can’t a toddler learn not to scream and throw things? I believe YES. Unfortunately, I even see adults all around me that never learned that lesson – controlling their emotions…… ~Anne
Great post! And so true. No matter the age, things like misbehaviour shouldn’t be “excused” because of a certain age. I never bought into that whole “Oh well, it’s the terrible two’s!” notion. I taught my kids right from the get go what was right and what was wrong and how to better handle their emotions. I’m happy and thankful that my kids are so well behaved because of it.
I can understand the temptation to let things go with little ones (they are SO cute and still have a lot of innocence!)….but it will come back to bite you later. Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job, Brandi! Will check out your blog today! ~Anne
Thanks for starting a conversation about this! While I agree that it’s important to have expectations and not to ignore inappropriate behaviour, it’s important that they be *reasonable* expectations. Obviously toddlers have a different capacity for reasoning and self-control than an older child, and it’s up to us to remember that certain behaviours are developmentally normal. When we’re potty training we know that if children aren’t physically and developmentally ready, they simply won’t be able to hold it. Cognitive and emotional maturity work the same way. We can lay the groundwork and coach these skills, but it requires a certain developmental readiness for them to follow through with these expectations.
Absolutely, Olivia! Teaching and expectations should definitely be age-appropriate. What bothers me is when there’s no teaching….and no expectations! I’m glad you brought that up and really appreciate your thoughts on this subject. ~Anne
Thank you Anne! My Mom would also agree!
You make some good points I hadn’t considered before. I do think we make excuses for kids when we should be laying down the law a little more!
As a mom of a 2.5 and a 1.5 year old I really appreciate this post. I do love the age, just like you. I have not struggled with this age as much as I have with 4 years old! Maybe it’s just me being more understanding of the challenges of a ‘baby’ then a ‘kid’.
I hate referencing the title of “Terrible Twos” because of all of the negativity. What are other titles for this phase? Maybe “Teachable Twos”?
I agree and that’s kind of the point of my article. They aren’t terrible! In fact, the more children I have, my feeling is that 2 is one of the funnest ages.
Teachable Twos is very catchy, by the way! ~Anne Marie