Tantrums usually peak in the toddler years. Modern magazines and parenting books usually offer the same type of advice. Either ignore the tantrum or get down on the child’s level and attempt to reason.
But there are potential weaknesses to these 2 approaches.
- Ignoring or trying to distract a child who’s having a tantrum is evasive. You’re missing out on a teachable moment, the chance to show him that tantrums will not be tolerated (they are obnoxious and disrespectful!) and that anger is an emotion which can be controlled. It also doesn’t work because children don’t just throw tantrums for attention.
- Trying to reason with a young child has its limits. Many tantrums happen before the age of one, and children are not even talking at that point. Besides, am I the only one who finds it extremely difficult to have a calm and rational discussion with a one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater who’s kicking and flailing on the floor? 😉
Why do tantrums happen? Contrary to what many think, most children don’t throw tantrums for attention. They throw fits because they are angry or frustrated. Something didn’t go their way. Someone didn’t give them what they wanted. A toy didn’t work the way it should. Whatever the reason, they “lose it” and collapse in an immature fit of uncontrolled anger.
You can, and should, teach your toddler that a tantrum is not an acceptable way to deal with anger. This is true for all of us, right? Ever seen an adult throw a tantrum? It happens, and it ain’t pretty. Society will thank you for instilling these lessons early on.
That’s why our approach to tantrums as a family has always been the common sense one. From the beginning, we make it clear that: (1) tantrums are not acceptable behavior. And (2): we teach our children how to deal appropriately with anger and frustration.
So how do you deal with a tantrum when it happens? Again, use common sense, the same as you would with any behavior that’s not tolerated in your household. Stop it in its tracks. Teach the child. And then discipline if there is defiance. Let your no mean no.
What does this look like in the real world?
Let’s suppose my 2-year-old (Samuel) wants some juice. I say to him “Ok, just a minute.” He falls on the floor and begins to whine and cry because he has to wait. I very swiftly pick him up and make him stand. “No!” I tell him very firmly. He starts to whine and cry again, but before he can fall on the floor, I grab him so he can’t. “No falling out!” I say, looking him in the eye to show I mean business. I repeat this until he’s quiet and willing to listen. Then I say “Can you wait just a minute for your juice?” If he pouts or doesn’t answer, I’ll coach him. “Say, yes, Mama.” After he says it nicely, I will tell him “That’s good. Next time, I want you to be a sweet boy like that. Ok?”
It’s can be very effective to gently hold your child while correcting. Reinforce what you’re asking him to do (be quiet, be still.)
Another scenario. My 3-year-old is playing with his toy. His baby sister comes up and takes it. He screams bloody murder and a tug-of-war ensues. Both are now screaming in anger. I tell him “No screaming!” and if he doesn’t stop, I come over and give him “the look” while again telling him to stop screaming. If he doesn’t obey, he’s disciplined. If he’s quiet, I will then begin to mediate. “Let go of the toy.” Now I will teach him to say “please” or something else nice to the baby, and see if she will hand it over. If not, I will ask her myself (this often works because it’s Mama). She gladly gives it to me with a smile. I hand it to my son and teach him to say “thank you!” to his sister. I will then remind him “Next time be a sweet boy to your brothers and sisters. They love you!”
Whatever you do, don’t forget consistency! Sticking to your guns is as important as dealing with the tantrum itself. That means repeating these scenarios 100 times if necessary. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Some young children, depending on temperament, take a long time to learn any given lesson. And the moment you throw your hands up, then they know you aren’t as committed as you should be.
Swift action, appropriate discipline and instruction DO work. They are time-tested methods, and thousands (if not millions) of years old. One day, your child will stop giving into fits of anger. One day he’ll ask you for help with a toy instead of throwing it across the room – or at another child! One day you will hear him ask “Could I have my car back?” instead of yelling and shoving his brother to the ground. One day you will tell him “No, we can’t buy that today,” at the store and he’ll smile and say “Maybe for my birthday?” instead of crying and screaming as you put it back on the shelf.
Got questions or comments about tantrums? Please post below!
Thanks for the reminder. My youngest just started throwing tantrums and that ol-scratch I mean new advice to ignore popped into my head.
And you are right, some kids are just different you can be firm till the cows come home and they will push you. But eventually they do lighten up a little.
It’s so true. I was taken aback by my 5th child’s stubbornness. The others all learned the lessons much quicker. He’s just different. But even though it’s been tough, I can’t give up! There’s no other option when you want the best for them.
What a good post! One I *really* needed to hear! My daughter is one and starting to throw tantrums. Ignoring is so much less work than actually taking the time to train her and discipline her. I know I need to stick with what I know is in her best interest, but it is hard.
As a first time mom and a very analytical person, I have a hard time with the word “discipline” as I think most people understand it. I tend to associate a parent being angry and spanking a child out of anger when I hear that word. I know it is not the way it is meant, but I definitely prefer the word “train/training”. For me, dealing with a tantrum is about calmly training a child by leading by example. I do think that there can be a time and place for stern measures, but only as long as I don’t let MY feelings or anger get out of control.
I think, essentially, that is why training is so much work! We have to keep our own emotions under control while helping our child to do the same! Almost like trying to swim while you teach someone to swim!
Melanie, I think training is a GREAT word because it illustrates that you are not just spending time telling your children what not to do. You are also teaching them WHAT to do – to be kind, to be obedient, to share, etc. etc.
And I also agree that a parent should never discipline when they are angry and “out of control.” Unfortunately, we often let things go too far and put up with alot. By the time we get to our child, we have let our anger build.
I recommend watching your children closely and catch things early. That way, you can discipline calmly and without anger.
And you are so right that we parents are a huge influence. As mothers, how often do we lose our tempers and shout at our children? Or shout at people on the road who cut us off? And we expect our children to control themselves? It’s a sobering reminder that first and foremost we have to fix OURSELVES first and lead by example.
I agree with your post, but can you tell me what your method is?? We have a very determined and “vocal” aka screaming to the top of your lungs because your brother didn’t give you his toy, toddler. I find that when he is in the midst of the tantrum, there’s no use to try to even talk to him. We find that if we wait till it passes and then speak to him and tell him what is expected that it goes much smoother. What are your thoughts??
Jennifer, I bet that as a mother you have come to recognize when a tantrum is getting started. Maybe he gets a certain look on his face. Takes a deep breath. Balls up his fists. It could be any number of things. The point is, ambush him and try to nip it in the bud before it becomes a full-blown tantrum. This is what I describe in my post. We learned quickly what would set off our 2 year old. I watch him VERY closely now and when I see “that look” I tell him sternly “Don’t start!” I absolutely do not let it go any further. Sometimes, even after my warning, he will “huff and puff” a bit and stick out his lip. I stay right there with him and outlast him. I will repeat again “don’t start it.” And he eventually obeys and a tantrum that “might have been” never gets off the ground.
But as I mentioned to another reader above, if they are in the middle of a tantrum, I think it’s ok to hold them and tell them firmly to STOP IT. You cannot just sit there and let them have it out with no disapproval whatsoever, or just walk away. If it gets really loud or obnoxious, spank them.
I always butt heads with my kids,strangley enough they aren’t teenagers not even close my girls are 3 and 4 and we have an 11 month old boy. YOur describing your oldest and your second sounds just like my girls my oldest would get a time out for somehting and not do it again.My second is just fit after fit ,sometimes i think I did something wrong while pregnant with her (not sure what i didn’t smoke or drink ) so hearing this makes me feel so much better .I sometimes think i should bring her to a therapist to help her with her feelings ,I do establish who I am in the house ,I’m mom don’t back talk ,do as I say the first time(yeah right) but my second daughter could not care less. Thanks for this ,helps me to realize Im not the only on e with a handful kid
Isn’t it amazing how young they can be when they first start defying you? I think teenagers get a bad rep for being rebellious, when the fact is that rebellion doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It’s a pattern that’s set in the early years when parents should have been more firm. It’s something that “comes back to haunt you.”
Heidi, don’t get discouraged about your second girl. I know it’s tough, but keep being consistent and stick with it. This is just my humble opinion, but I don’t think she needs a therapist at all. Just lots of love and attention. Sometimes, the really strong-willed child benefits from EXTRA attention from mom, even though it’s often the last thing mom wants to give. But how can you teach her to learn to control her emotions if you’re not with her every step of the way? She needs to learn these lessons from you, not from a stranger.
Hang in there, I’m with you!
Anne
I’m curious…what do you mean by disciplining through? Time-outs? Loss of privileges? For an 8 month old, what is disciplining? I have friends that practicing corporal punishment (i.e. smacking the hand or flicking the hand when they do something “bad” but I’m not for physical punishment like that).
Great question! Discipline could mean any number of things and it should always be age and situation appropriate. A parent should correct an infant who is trying to grab a house plant differently than they would a screaming 3 year old who is throwing or breaking toys. The infant could be told “no” very firmly and then moved away from the plant. This should be repeated until they obey. A little pat on the padded diaper might help to reinforce. An older child might be told to stand in the corner and then watched very closely for disobedience. This could also be reinforced with a swat on the bottom if they resist.
I do NOT agree with smacking a child’s hand. Their little hands are tender and sensitive. Besides, some children think you are playing some sort of game when you swat at their hand. But the bottom is well padded.
I agree that children definitely need discipline and teaching; however, when my daughter is in the middle of a tantrum, she has totally lost it. There is no reasoning with her, distracting her, or teaching her until she has regained control–and the best way for her to do that (and I have tried lots of different strategies because she has had a lot of temper tantrums) is for me to ignore her until she can get it under control. After that, we can talk about things, we can figure out why she got so upset in the first place, and we can help her to find better ways to express her feelings. But letting her scream it out is the only way that she calms down, and she is getting much better at calming down in a much shorter amount of time. I don’t think ignoring a tantrum is giving a child complete freedom–I think that you have to find strategies for disciplining your children that work for you and for your specific child’s temperament, and that may be different for different parents and different children.
I think you bring up an interesting point here, Alesia, however I don’t believe that any child ever “totally” loses control. All people, no matter how young or old, can control their actions (unless they are under the influence of a strong drug or are insane). Even a child who appears to have totally lost it can actually be snapped back to reality. A friend told me the funniest story about his grandfather throwing cold water in his face while he was having a meltdown on the kitchen floor. It ended his tantrum abruptly, and when he saw his grandfather filling another glass, he didn’t dare start screaming again.
When I use the phrase “uncontrolled anger” in my post I am not implying that the child is not capable of controlling his temper – simply that he chooses to let it vent freely. It’s a choice the toddler makes. And you can and should teach young children to make better choices. Don’t fall for the lie that anger takes them over completely and you are helpless to act. In fact, I would say that (although you don’t see it this way) you are abandoning your daughter in a sense, when you allow to vent and scream. This is a cry of help from her; she needs her mother to teach her boundaries and control.
So how can you intervene? As her mother, you already know the things that bring on a tantrum and what it looks like when it is just about to start. Catch it right then. Surprise her! Don’t let it escalate into a full-blown tantrum. But even if it HAS gotten that far, a parent can safely hold a child until they calm down and get their emotions under control. I still would never walk away.
Giving in may seem kind, but it’s not helpful. In fact, it might very well be an erosion of parental authority b/c you would be allowing something to continue that shouldn’t be tolerated.
Alesia,
I think what you are doing IS helpful. It is not “an erosion of parental authority” try different techniques and to learn your child well enough that you are helping her to become better at coping with emotions. It sounds to little old me like what you are doing is successful parenting.
Lynn, thanks for commenting! I still don’t see how letting a child scream and cry and be obnoxious is helping them to become better at coping with emotions. Allowing tantrums to continue as long as the child wants is allowing the child to NOT cope and pretty much “lose it.” Also, everyone around them must suffer through the outburst, which puts the child in total control of the situation. That sounds a lot to me like a parent relinquishing their authority.
Also, if what Alesia is doing is helpful, then why is her daughter continuing to have lots of tantrums? Sounds like a new approach is needed.
Thanks for the very good reminder! My two youngest (numbers 5&6) are two of my most stubborn as well and I need the encouragement to keep with it… and to be honest, each of my children has a wrong reaction from time to time. Something I’ve noticed though is that for one child it’s a tantrum and for another it’s silent sulking anger. I’ve been trying to be more aware of the “outbursts” that are in the background and are harder to catch as well. 🙂
Blessings!
Thank you for the encouragement, Rebecca! And you are right to be especially watchful of not just loud and obvious outbursts, but those “tantrums of the heart,” which are quiet but destructive to a child’s spiritual growth. When I first started out, I missed those types of things or just let them go. But then I realized that it’s what’s in the heart that’s most important. Now I try to never let my children sulk or stew in anger. This leads to bad attitudes that can become deep set.
What great advice! When are you going to expand and open a counseling service??
If I do, you will be Executive Director, Nonny!!
xxoo
wow. just wow. thanks for going against the norm. I feel like such a ‘bad mom’ because everyone else just seems to put their kids in timeout or whatever and they ‘appear’ perfect on the outside, but we are much much harder on ours. I had someone suggest giving her choices. we tried that for about FOUR days. she spent almost the whole time in her bedroom because she would make the ‘hard way’ choice. once we took ‘choices’ away again, and just told her what to do, it was back to normal. Just goes to show, you have to find what works and stick with it. my oldest is definitely the more defiant, even though she understands, she just has a strong will. it sucks. big time. because on the outside it appears like your kid is a brat but in reality they’re actually doing pretty good.
Jill, thanks for your support! I know it’s not popular these days to have high standards for children, but they will rise to meet them….if you set them. ~Anne
*edit, pretty well. *sigh* long day already!
i really needed this today. my 2 year old is in tantrum nation today and my patience is thin. but you know i tried your method and a light went on in my head. i have to really keep at it because he is stubborn and not used to it but it works. i stop everything and go down to his level..i tell him no..don’t start. it’s ok to be mad but you may not hit/throw/tear the house apart/whatever when you are mad and that is enough.
and………..it’s working… i started this morning and the tantrums are much shorter.
i think the most effective thing i have done is stopped and gotten down to be eye to eye with him. and then to tell him exactly how i expect him to act using clear words. (no more ‘no, stop that’ – its kind of vague) i have been having a really hard time raising him since he turned into a tot so thaaank you so much for sharing your wisdom
Holly, thanks for your kind reply! It took me a while to learn just how important it is to mean what you say. Children are listening and when you don’t follow through, they pay attention and take note. I’m so glad the tantrums are getting shorter! Stick with it and maybe soon they will be gone for good. ~Anne
My son is #1 in the temper department. He throws things, hits, scratches, bites. When I ignored he got worse. Now I tell him I’m gong to walk away. I don’t like ____________. Then I take a break behind a door. Usually a minute or so and I can hear him. He’s usually on the other side of the door crying. When I walk out he will 9 times out of 10 say sorry. I always tell him I love him and give him time to stop crying before I talk about his behavior. Tantrums are down I’d say 90% since we started talking about love and feeling during tantrums. He’ll tell you now he’s just so mad. Counts to 10 and plays on his own a few minutes in our toy corner.
That’s great you’ve been so consistent with telling him exactly what’s going to happen and following through. Consistency and meaning what you say are so crucial! Thanks for sharing, Mary! ~Anne
I’m still learning how to deal with my son. His strong temperament is very much different than mine and some of his outbursts have REALLY taken me by storm. Your experience is valuable to me since he’s just my first (so far).
I had to average pretty good but normal boys, and I was that mom looking at the frustrated mama with her screaming fit throwing child thinking ” I would never let my child act that way”. Then I had my sweet oldest girl. She humbled me. She was the most dedicated and violent fit thrower I have ever seen. She would throw 10+ fits a day, often wake in the night in the middle of a tantrum, and I rarely could tell what the trigger was. I tried every thing. Ignoring it was horrible. I tried to wait her out once, and she went on and on…. She kept looking at me like “please stop me!”. When I picked her up and held her still she finally sighed and quit. Spanking and other punishment type discipline would increase the frequency of the tantrums. Isolating her in her room would stop it quick, but it broke her heart, and made them happen much more often. The only thing that helped stop a fit AND reduced the frequency over time was holding her still in my lap gently but firmly and talking to her in a calm, firm manner. She would gradually wind down. In retrospect I really believe that she did not know how to deal with her strong overwhelming feelings. As she got older, she was able to cope better, and I could send her to her bed until she was done. She outgrew them for the most part by the time she was 3 1/2 years. One thing that really helped as well, was consciously giver her positive attention when she was not upset. She craved the attention and wanted to please. She has grown into a delightful young woman that does not have anger issues.
On a side note, she was the only one of my kids that I tried to make sleep in a crib, and I did use cry-it-out. I regret that, and I do feel that it set her up for the tantrums and that she had some mild attachment issues because of it. When I began intentionally building our relationship in between the tantrums things became so much better.
I actually tried ignoring a few times as well, and yes, it’s horrible. For the child and for everyone who has to endure it. Like you, we also had a surprise with two of our children. They both had bad tempers and a will of iron that I was taken aback by, in comparison to our older ones. Your method of holding the child still while also giving her the chance to be still and quiet is a really effective one. It’s a gentle but physical reinforcement of the words you are saying. ~Anne